Post-Op appt

So as soon as I get there, my RE rips my stitches out with very little warning and leaves me sore for the rest of my appt. So after that we go to his office and watch my surg video which is both interesting and weird seeing my insides being cut. Ewww. He then proceeds to explain my results which were determined to be Stage 3 Endometriosis and alot of scar tissue. He asked me what I wanted to do, I had two options. First option I could try to get PG again and take Lupron injections after I have my baby. The second option is to do the injections right now and try again in six months. My RE said that he recommends that we have the best chance of having a sticky baby if we do the Lupron first, so thats what we are going to do. Our next time we will be trying to conceive will be April 2010. Sigh... Seems so far away.
He then proceeds to tell me in a very serious manner, that as soon as Im done with having babies that I will need a hysterectomy. I knew that one day I would because of the high risk of uterine cancer that runs in my family, but to actually hear those words come out of his mouth was kinda like a blow to the chest. That was definitely hard to hear. Sooo feeling battered from this appt I have alot of thinking and healing to do. Ugh, I need to sleep.

Sorry I haven't written lately... Update on me!

Sooooo, since my last post alot has happened. First off I had my miscarriage tissue tested. I was hoping to get some answers from this because of all 5 m/c's I haven't been able to salvage the tissue to send it in. But, as luck would have it, my results were inconculsive. They didn't find a placenta in the tissue so test was not viable. That was disappointing.
Moving on! I had surgery on Nov 2nd and let me tell ya that was adventure. First off, we had to be there at the outpatient center at 5:45 AM!! Mind you we had to drive 45 mins to get to the place as well. So of course I didn't sleep the night before and the whole morning just seemed like a dream. When I got there the nurse was tapping her foot waiting for me and rushed me back, striped me down and stuck an IV in me. All within about 10 mins. Shortly after my RE came in and spoke with us and made sure we didn't have any questions. Then it was sleepy time... When I woke up the first thing that went through my mind was what time is it? How did it take? Did they have to open me up and do a laparotomy? So half awake I asked the nurse, "Did they open me?" She said no, they were able to do everything laparoscopically. Phew! That was a relief.
Later on as I come to, my DH comes in and of course looks like he just witnessed someone internally combust (he hates hospitals) and I asked him what time it was. He said 1:45. WHAT!?! Seriously? I was in surgery for 5 hours! Oh man, now i knew something was bad. So I ask him, prepared for the worst. He said, "It was bad." So I sit there staring at him like go on stupid. It was like pulling teeth. He then goes on to give me somewhat details that I had Stage 3 (out of 4) endometriosis, a completely blocked left tube, and scar tissue and endo so bad on my left side that my tube and ovary were literally twisted and pinned downward to where it was stuck near my bowels. Ouch. He then goes on to tell me that they were able to save my ovary and tube and unblock it. They also drilled holes into my ovaries for ovulation stimulation, and cleaned up all of my endo.
My parents gave me more info when I got home and there was talk with the RE that Lupron injections may need to be started to make the endo go away forever. But while in on them for 4 months Iam unable to try to conceive, which sucks. So he explained that the choice will be up to me if I want to start the injections now or wait until after my first PG to start them. Hmmm..
So I will have more answers tomorrow after my post op appointment. I will have my game plan tomorrow too which makes me happy. Its so nice to know what was wrong with me, and its probably psychological, but I feel better that all that crap is out of my body! Eww and I get to watch a video of my surg tomorrow, that will be interesting. I will update again after I get more answers.

Adoption???

This journey has really taken it's toll on me and DH and I are now looking into adoption. We have NO idea what we are in for and are very interested in the process. I have looked online and started calling around to some local agencies. There is so much information out there it is confusing! I saw something about a home inspection and social workers and then I just got lost. So I called our local county office and they said the y would put us down for a seminar on new adoptive parents! Im so excited to go. I have so many questions that Im hoping they can answer for me. Iam keeping my options open of course and I will still go through with the surgery.
I just honestly don't know how many more losses I can go through before I fall off the deep end ya know? It not fair for me to be in this pitch black dark place after every m/c that it takes drugs for me to get out of! Maybe it's just not in the cards for me to have my own child? Iam ok with that and I love that my DH is so supportive in my decision to look into adoption. I have ALWAYS wanted to adopt a child even before my first m/c. I think about all the children who need loving homes that my DH and could provide. I would love that baby just like it came out of my own womb. Im getting all teary just thinking about it! I feel super positive about this move and can't wait for the info I get. I know it can be a lengthy process but heck Ive been TTC for four years now with five heart breaks. I think I can wait a little longer for my own beautiful baby.

Finally good beta news

Although I never want to see my betas go down, Im happy to see them go down this time. They went from 425 on Wed and are now 36. Thank goodness! I was feeling weird over the weekend and was still worried about an ectopic. But now all of those worried are clear. Im trying to set up my surg so that my OB will be there at my surg, but my stupid RE's office is always closed. I don't know if there really closed or if there answering service is always on, either way they suck ballz! Well now Im off to the gym to get this weight loss shit started. That always the hardest part is getting started.

Yay! Red blood flowing out of my ute!! OK TMI and gross but I have never been so relieved to have it. My LO hung on too long and even though I despise the fact that Im having a M/C, Im happy I finally get some closure to this PG. I get to see my OB tomorrow so we can talk some more about this sitch and see how low my betas are. I think I will talk to him about my RE as well. Im absolutely love my OB and Im wondering if he will take me back. I know Im a super rare case and really high risk, but I don't feel the need for IUI's like RE wants to do. I got PG without them 4 times before and this last time was with and IUI and still ended in a M/C. Well I want to see what he will say if I ask him to take me back and for him to do my lap/ hystero. He might tell me "sorry you are too high risk for me, lets stick the original plan and you come back after 13 weeks." Or Im hoping he will say "yes come back and we will get you KU nest year!" OK! I mean he can prescribe me all the medications that my RE can and he can all the surg my RE can, so why not? I feel much more comfortable with him and my RE is so unpersonable and strictly business, no compassion. I haven't even talked to DH about this but I will let him know my game plan. We did talk about not doing IUI's for a couple months and see if we can do it by ourselves after the surg. DH has super sperm so Im sure it will work for us. Im feeling positive that 2010 is our baby year, mind you I felt 2009 was our baby year too but we will just scratch that and look towards the future. Well here goes the game plan talk with DH, Im sure he will agree with me because he likes my OB much more than my RE as well.

Waiting...

So its been three days since I stopped taking my meds and my body won't work with me. Haven't I been through enough body? I gotta have it easy somewhere right? Obviously no. I still "feel" KU and I hate the fact I won't feel like this in a couple days. Its sad actually. I just have that ugly brownish spotting. I never thought I would be saying this but Im ready, Im ready for the end and now its not happening fast enough for me. Ugh, well cant make it go any faster, I hate when things are out of my control (somewhat of a control freak). Well maybe if I do some vigorous cleaning and some exercise it will get things running. One of the things I worry about is my job and the unavailability of a bathroom when needed. I would much rather end this thing while I'm here in the comfort of my own home. Doesn't look like thats going to happen for me this time. Until tomorrow.

My Intro...

Yay! My first Blog post! So allow me to introduce myself, I am Andrea and I am married to the most wonderful man in the world, Wes. Our journey began in Aug 2006 when we got our first BFP. We were so excited, I still remember both our reactions as I walked out of the bathroom eyes wide and a huge grin on my face. We laughed and cried at the same time. It was beautiful. Shortly after (about two weeks later) we sadly lost our LO naturally. Determined we tried again two months later, and whatdaya know, BFP. A week later, natural M/C. Thinking third time is a charm, tried again two months after that, BFP, that same day M/C'd with a chemical pregnancy. Feeling defeated, we gave it a rest for a while, a long while. It wasn't until Aug 2008 (about a year later) I felt ready to throw out the BCP. So we thought it would happen right away, then nothing. My OB suggested we go to a RE for infertility back in Jan 2009. So off we went and he did tons of B/W and testing on my tissues.

So far all was well until he wanted to do a biopsy of my cervix (aka cervical SCRAPING, yes scraping). Ok first of all OUCH! Most pain I have ever experienced! I sat up after the procedure and almost passed out. I went home and the bleeding stopped almost immediately after the procedure. Well then two days later I start heavy flowing again. Feeling this isn't right I call RE office and they say oh thats normal, call us if you have a fever. Two days later call again with no call back. Heavy bleeding continues for five days and looks and feels like a M/C, which is sadly all to familiar to me. On the fifth day of tissuey blood flow I take an old HPT and low and behold a BFP. I scream at everyone in RE office for not calling me back and they felt completely stupid. I get rushed in, have betas drawn and confirm I WAS PG. Of course all of us knew it was too late for this one, I just wish the "expert" that I'm trusting should have caught that my cervix was tightly closed before all the scraping was done. He says that the biopsy was not the cause of the M/C, but for some reason I do.

After that mess, I recovered (somewhat mentally, more physically) and then we started TTC again full force in June. Started on Clomid and cycle 1 with no IUI, BFN. Cycle 2 Clomid + IUI, BFN. Cycle 3 Clomid 100mg + IUI, BFN???? Ok so here is the latest tragedy. Cycle 3 looked promising IUI went well, DH sperm count and motility EXCELLENT, and things just felt good, we knew this was our month. 11dpiui I get betas done, BFN. So I stop taking my meds (Heparin, baby aspirin, metformin and progesterone) and enjoy a couple glassed of wine with a friend. Four days later AF is two days late, Oh. Shit. Take a HPT and very faint pink line says BFP. Immediately go back on meds and call RE. Get betas done that day and they come back @ 23 16dpiui. To me, that just seemed low. 48 hrs later they doubled to 56, yay! 48 hrs after that they didn't double and were @ 89. To make a very long story short I had very slow rising betas and Sept 16 stopped taking my medications and am currently waiting for the end to come. I have never felt so beaten in my entire life.

Surprisingly, I still feel like we will someday have the baby we long for. The baby we always dream about taking care of and watching grow into a wonderful adult. Of course as of right now we are forced to take a break for a few months, but in this time I will have a surgery done called a laparoscopy to rule out endometriosis. I am going to suggest that me RE also take a look inside my ute and do a hysteroscopy while Im knocked out. Can't hurt. Next year is a new year, hopefully with a beautiful baby to come. Here's to you, 2010...